Growing up, when I daydreamed of all the writerly things I'd do once I got published, somehow signing--actually SIGNING--my very first advance check wasn't part of it. I imagined getting The Call, doing lunch with my editor, signing my contract, revising into the wee hours of the night, seeing my book for the first time on shelves...but somehow, I never fantasized about what it would be like endorsing my first advance check.

I got the check in the mail a couple of weeks ago, and I JUST deposited it today.

Correction: My HUSBAND got the check a couple of weeks ago, when I was out of town for business.

Another Correction: My HUSBAND got the check a couple of weeks ago, when I was ON MY WAY out of town for business. The mail arrived exactly 30 minutes after I left for the airport.

Even though I never daydreamed about signing/depositing that check, I DID imagine what it would be like to get the package in the mail that contained the check, and an official letter from my agent, and a finished/signed copy of my contract. I imagined jumping up and down, clobbering the mail lady in my excitement (that is, if I somehow miraculously managed to be downstairs at EXACTLY the same time she was dropping off the mail, which NEVER happens), taking tons of photos, and then having an epic dance party.

I did NOT imagine getting a phone call while I was sitting at the airport, telling me that my check had come, and I'd missed it by 30 minutes.

Nor did I imagine my husband telling me that he'd already taken the courtesy of OPENING the package that contained the check.

Here is a pretty accurate account of our conversation:

Me: Ugh, waiting for this plane sucks. I miss you! Did you get home already? 
Hubby: Yeah, just walked in...*sorting through the mail* Blah blah about our dog blah blah. Oh, you got your advance check in the mail.
Me: OH MY GOD IT--- .........Wait. How do you KNOW my advance check came?
Hubby: *still sorting through mail* I saw that something from your agent came, so I opened it.
Me: You opened my very first advance check.
Hubby: Yeah. You want me to deposit it?
Me: YOU. OPENED. MY. VERY. FIRST. ADVANCE. CHECK.
Hubby: Was I not supposed to?
Me: ..............................
Hubby: Hello? Hello? Can you hear me? Ugh, we have such crappy reception.
Me: YOU OPENED MY VERY FIRST ADVANCE CHECK! YOU OPENED IT! MY ADVANCE CHECK! YOU. OPENED. IT.
Hubby: Yeah, isn't it funny how it came 30 minutes after you left?
Me: YOU OPENED MY VERY FIRST ADVANCE CHECK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

At this point, everyone around me in the airport was staring, so I hissed goodbye and hung up. I then sulked for a good few hours, and when I got home TEN days later, I found the package waiting for me. Well, 'waiting for me' in my office closet, where my husband had tossed it for 'safe keeping' until I returned.

So, the whole point of that story is that because my non-writer husband took it upon himself to open the package I'd been daydreaming of, I felt somewhat robbed of the whole experience. I needed to find another moment where it felt RIGHT to sign it--some kind of indication from the universe, some meaningful hour/minute/second in the day that would create the feeling of getting the envelope that I had totally missed. So, waiting for the RIGHT moment, it sat on my desk for over a week. Though I DID have a little shrine erected around it, and was really OCD about making sure nothing cluttered its space or fell on top of it (like post-its, coffee cups, pens, lip balm tubes...).

BUT today, on a totally ordinary and otherwise uneventful day, I finally got around to depositing that check.

And somehow, despite the fact that I missed opening the package...writing my name on the back of that check was one of the most surreal and beautiful experiences of my life. I kind of trembled the whole way to the bank, and then allowed myself a moment to cry after the envelope disappeared into the ATM. And when I held the receipt in my hand...I just gaped at it. Proof.

Real, honest-to-God proof that it wasn't just a dream, that nearly 9 years of hard work were worth it...that every moment of despair, of frustration, of wondering if I was out of my mind was WORTH IT.

And for ACTUAL proof that it all happened, I made my hubby take some photos of me.

The package that I managed to miss by 30 freaking minutes:




You know I had to take this picture.




And finally: the check going into the ATM. (Can you tell it was taken on my blackberry?) About 10 seconds after this was taken, I may or may not have had to wipe away some tears.



So...proof. Proof that today happened, and that this whole journey--that being published--isn't just a dream. Proof that I can stop pinching myself now.

I'm having a hard time describing what it was like, but I think this piece of music really sums up everything I felt today.



I know there's a long road ahead of me, and it's probably full of twists and turns and dark moments, but for right now....Right now, I think I just want to enjoy the view. :)